Saturday, December 4, 2010
Kurt is out of town interviewing for residency and I am feeling like i'm drowning as a parent. I have had a lot of disapoimtment,grief, and failure in my life do to choices I have made or just life in general and I have caused pain to others and been caused pain by others. I hated High school and I hated the way it made me feel and the way I acted. I to this day have regrets of things i said or did because I wanted acceptance or because I felt so small and worthless. I hate that I probably caused others the same pain, and I guess all this is being sparked by things i'm reading in the news or just hearing about but it kills me to think that my choices are so wieghty and so perminant in the lives of my children. I hate that there is so much meaness out there that people cause others so much pain and heartach and that in some cases its so relentless that lives are lost from it so If I could ask for anything in this life I could honestly and with my whole heart say it would be that my kids get what they need from me to grow into the men that God wants them to be. That inspite of all my shortcomings as a parent and person that I do not scar them or hurt thier progression. That they can get good from my bad...that they learn patience form my lack of and strength from my weaknesses. I would ask that they have an extra sesitivity to others feeling that they hold all life with the utmost respect and compasson, and that no differences that others have or believe will affect my childrens ability to love and care for them and that differences will not alter the way they treat them or act towards them and I would ask that they could outlive me and that I, for selfish reasons, could know that they won't get hurt while out of my care or in my care. I would ask that they be sheilded from the pain hurtfull ignorance and talking behind thier backs, I would ask that they be strong enough to be kind and resilient in withstanding the pain that others can cause, and i would ask that they won't experience any major illnesses, that they won't make any descisions that cost them a life or that change them for worse. I would ask that instead of useing hardships to play the victom they would use them to be victorious and use them to become a strength to those around them. That they are kind and thoughtfull and always stand for whats right no matter what. That in a world where bullies get the best of sweet children and prey on thier insecurities and cause so much pain that my boys will stand strong and step in to defend someone wether they know them or not. I would ask that they be a beakon of good and strength and that they are the type of person everyone wants to be around because they radiate the christlike qualities that give hope and peace and strength. I would ask that they always get back up from a fall stronger than when they fell and learn the first time so they don't have to experience the pain over and over. I would ask that they handle peer pressure with laughter and not with consideration or with weakness as I did. I would ask that they thrive on success but not just in thier own but in the success of everyone around them. I have never felt so inadequate as a person or in any area of my life as I do being a mother. Its the most humbling, hard, frustrating, defeating, worrisome, anxioty ridden, out of my hands, impossible, frightening thing I've ever done. Yet it brings the most rewarding, beautiful, sweet, closest to God, fulfilling, amazing, incredible, awe inspiring, prescious, feeling I have ever felt. I love my Boys and I want whats best for them even if that means I have no clue what that is. I am scared out of my mind that these beautiful sweet perfect children have been placed inmy care and its my job not to screw them up. I have to say Thank you to my parents because although i'm sure they made mistakes I have only good memories of them and am very grateful for the people they are and the qualities they posess. I guess its all in Gods hands and all i can do is pray for help and strength every day so that These sweet boys can grow nto what he wants them to be, and i'll know that it'll be through his guidance and love and the peole he blesses them with in thier lives that will be the reason for any successes and I know I will be grateful to be called thier mother but I'm so scared of the journey and of all my inadequacies. I Love you Matthew James and Dilynn Perkins, you are named after incredible people who mean so much to me and I hope that having those names and having the Gosple of Jesus Christ in your lives will help shape you into the amazing people I know you can be.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Nothing better than 2 crazy brothers:) and their many personalitites and faces:)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
1st of all I am so lucky to have a husband that can make me laugh even when I'm in labor:) We waited all day at the hospital to get induced but apparently it was a crazy baby having day so I didn't een get put in a room until about 4;45pm on the 27th. One lady even had a baby in the parking lot!!!!! Anyways they hooked me up to ptosin and well the rest is fun from there. If any one is ever planning on having a baby or doing the labor thing I have a suggestion to make...first don't get induced lol and if you do get a birthing ball they make the contractions a bit more bearable, cause ptosin sure as heck makes them worse:) anyways Dilynn was born at 3:14 in the morning on May 28th. He wieghed 7lbs. 2 oz and was 20 inches long with a head circumferance of HUGE...lol ok it was 14 inches but thats HUGE!!!! the cord was wrpped around his neck but the Doctor was all over it and everything was fine:) When I first saw the little man I thought to myself..."I already had that baby???" no joke he looks exactly like his big bro di so I'll have to post pictures of both and see if anyone can tell a differance...its a little crazy...kinda like having identicle twins two and a half years a part:) Dilynn is named after my Dad and Grandpa who's first names are Lynn and his middle name is after my Grandfather who we called Pa who was an incredible man that meant the world to me:) He actually passed away unexpectadly on March 13th. One night while I was visiting him in the Hospital Dilynn was moving like crazy and My grandfather got to feel him kicking and I told him we were naming him after him. It was emotional and my grandfather couldn't talk but he smiled and got teary. He passed about a week later and I'm pretty sure he called in a favor for me cause Dilynn had some kidney issues that cleared up a few days later. He is a super good baby and such a blessing to have in our home:) I hate being pregnant but hte rewards are indescribable and so so so so worth it:) Matthew is being so helpful and is such a loving big brother:)
So so so sad...Matthew decided it was funny to run away from mom in the his grandma ritchie's driveway and well the outcome wasn't pretty. He tripped and fell and his ginormous head withthe momentum of the fall carried him into the bottom of the car and well the rest is covered by this huge band aid...eith eyeballs on it. I of course freaked when we were both covered in blood( not my forte) and Kurt was of course at the Hospital at work so I had to rely on my Mom who had just had shoulder surgery the day before and only had the use of one arm....that woman is a life saver and incredible. She drove us to the urgent care where they had to sedate him and do 3 stitches on the inside and 8 on the outside....would have had more but the sedation was wearing off and he wasn't having it:) He just kept screaming "i no want fix it!!!!" Poor kid. I knew it was going to happen eventually this kid is so wild and crazy and well not that coordinated just yet but it'll be a fun story later for him I guess.
Matthew and his Bapa playing in the water:) why does Utah have all the cool stuff???????
Aunt Carrie and cousin William....So cute:)
Aunt Carrie and cousin William....So cute:)
Well since I don't feel that cute being 35 weeks prego I decided to only take goofy pics since trying to look good is useless:)
Matthew seriously DUG this place...it freaked him out a first but by the time we left I had a kicking screaming drag out fight getting him out hte door:)...wish we had one here in Albuquerque.
My little Ham of a man:)
Just thought this was adorable....Matthew was so entertained just watching his cousin wendel and his Uncle Gabe play video games.