Saturday, December 4, 2010
Kurt is out of town interviewing for residency and I am feeling like i'm drowning as a parent. I have had a lot of disapoimtment,grief, and failure in my life do to choices I have made or just life in general and I have caused pain to others and been caused pain by others. I hated High school and I hated the way it made me feel and the way I acted. I to this day have regrets of things i said or did because I wanted acceptance or because I felt so small and worthless. I hate that I probably caused others the same pain, and I guess all this is being sparked by things i'm reading in the news or just hearing about but it kills me to think that my choices are so wieghty and so perminant in the lives of my children. I hate that there is so much meaness out there that people cause others so much pain and heartach and that in some cases its so relentless that lives are lost from it so If I could ask for anything in this life I could honestly and with my whole heart say it would be that my kids get what they need from me to grow into the men that God wants them to be. That inspite of all my shortcomings as a parent and person that I do not scar them or hurt thier progression. That they can get good from my bad...that they learn patience form my lack of and strength from my weaknesses. I would ask that they have an extra sesitivity to others feeling that they hold all life with the utmost respect and compasson, and that no differences that others have or believe will affect my childrens ability to love and care for them and that differences will not alter the way they treat them or act towards them and I would ask that they could outlive me and that I, for selfish reasons, could know that they won't get hurt while out of my care or in my care. I would ask that they be sheilded from the pain hurtfull ignorance and talking behind thier backs, I would ask that they be strong enough to be kind and resilient in withstanding the pain that others can cause, and i would ask that they won't experience any major illnesses, that they won't make any descisions that cost them a life or that change them for worse. I would ask that instead of useing hardships to play the victom they would use them to be victorious and use them to become a strength to those around them. That they are kind and thoughtfull and always stand for whats right no matter what. That in a world where bullies get the best of sweet children and prey on thier insecurities and cause so much pain that my boys will stand strong and step in to defend someone wether they know them or not. I would ask that they be a beakon of good and strength and that they are the type of person everyone wants to be around because they radiate the christlike qualities that give hope and peace and strength. I would ask that they always get back up from a fall stronger than when they fell and learn the first time so they don't have to experience the pain over and over. I would ask that they handle peer pressure with laughter and not with consideration or with weakness as I did. I would ask that they thrive on success but not just in thier own but in the success of everyone around them. I have never felt so inadequate as a person or in any area of my life as I do being a mother. Its the most humbling, hard, frustrating, defeating, worrisome, anxioty ridden, out of my hands, impossible, frightening thing I've ever done. Yet it brings the most rewarding, beautiful, sweet, closest to God, fulfilling, amazing, incredible, awe inspiring, prescious, feeling I have ever felt. I love my Boys and I want whats best for them even if that means I have no clue what that is. I am scared out of my mind that these beautiful sweet perfect children have been placed inmy care and its my job not to screw them up. I have to say Thank you to my parents because although i'm sure they made mistakes I have only good memories of them and am very grateful for the people they are and the qualities they posess. I guess its all in Gods hands and all i can do is pray for help and strength every day so that These sweet boys can grow nto what he wants them to be, and i'll know that it'll be through his guidance and love and the peole he blesses them with in thier lives that will be the reason for any successes and I know I will be grateful to be called thier mother but I'm so scared of the journey and of all my inadequacies. I Love you Matthew James and Dilynn Perkins, you are named after incredible people who mean so much to me and I hope that having those names and having the Gosple of Jesus Christ in your lives will help shape you into the amazing people I know you can be.